Letters From the Dark

Life is short friends. I’m trying really hard lately not...

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 21:14:03 -0500

Life is short friends.

I’m trying really hard lately not to forget that. I’m constantly reminding myself to take a breath and go for a stroll when things start getting to be too much. It helps, kinda. My new tea addiction also helps. It helps me let go a little easier, makes me feel slightly more calmed…

This quote really forces out a blunt, raw emotion in me. It’s a startling feeling, one I really enjoy.

xo <3 me

The Last. <3

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 12:37:53 -0400

The Last.

:) (S) <3

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 22:33:00 -0400

:) (S) <3

Sleep well Taz. You were my favourite Kitty <3 What a rainy day… xo :(

Tue, 04 Sep 2012 07:57:47 -0400

Sleep well Taz.

You were my favourite Kitty <3

What a rainy day…

xo :(

It’s time to finally be free and let free. Onto a new set...

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 17:21:05 -0400

It’s time to finally be free and let free.

Onto a new set of stars.

xo me.

Stars hide your fires These here are my desires And I wil give...

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:20:42 -0400

Stars hide your fires
These here are my desires
And I wil give them up to you this time around
And so I’ll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly
empassioned soul.

-Mumford & Sons

Goodbye beautiful Nova Scotia, I will hold on tightly to the new breath you’ve breathed into my soul.

I’m going to miss the towering mountains of the Cabot Trail and the lapping of the ocean waves on warm salty nights under the stars.

Until next time.
Xo me

Organic Rainbows

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 02:37:31 -0400

Never mind the fact that these can grow up to 70ft tall.

I really want a Rainbow Eucalyptus in my future yard.

The secret behind the Rainbow Eucalyptus - The trees shed multiple patches of bark every year, but not at the same time. As the patches are gone, the green inner bark is exposed, and, as it matures, every new patch first turns bluish, then orange, purple and maroon. This creates the rainbow effect that makes these trees so nice to look at.

It’s pretty shameful that they’re grown mainly to be cut down a used for the production of paper goods.

Who needs paper with a forest full of things that look like these?

It’s comforting to know beautiful things like this still exist somewhere out there…

xo. me

ugh. 4amsucks.

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 04:15:21 -0400

ugh.

4amsucks.

Sweet Dreams World. I pray tomorrow will fly me to a better...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 02:17:58 -0400

Sweet Dreams World.

I pray tomorrow will fly me to a better place with softer beginnings.

xo her

I love the warm summer rain. My umbrella is pretty badass too....

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 23:28:00 -0400

I love the warm summer rain. My umbrella is pretty badass too. :) xo.

E Word.

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 17:19:00 -0400

Alright World,

It’s exam time.

And that blows, hard, really hard actually. Harder than a 10 cent lady friend on a Friday night. Even harder than a hurricane rated as a 9 on the Richter Scale.

-Reallly Kai?

No, not really dumbass! I’m just being crazy old me.

But to be honest here for a second, I totally dig exam time now that I’ve gotten over my anxiety of mis-represented testing. I know that I’ll get to whereever I need to be in this lifetime, and I know that failing hard, or passing exponentially well, really doesn’t matter. This is a stepping stone for me, and to be honest if any job place really only wanted me for my grades instead of my life experience and self-worth I draw from the inside, well then I wouldn’t want them!

Obviously I still need to give a slight shit, it is still a necessary stepping stone for how the world currently is. (A hectic disaster jammed packed full of big egos, if you haven’t already noticed.) And I am paying out my beautiful ass-hole like everyone else for it, so I may as well put my hard earned money to some form of use. Plus, I really don’t believe in self failure. I am a very loyal girl when I choose to be, so when necessary I push myself pretty well over the edge of every situation just to be sure I got my worth out of it if not for anything else, but for myself.

I believe in self satisfaction. And I honestly believe that no one in this world can ever really give that to you other than yourself, it’s impossible to expect them to. We’re changing beings, morphing by the millisecond. So as I see it, I owe it to myself to 1. Not stress over this exam, because that as I’ve learned from my 15hr study session, leaves permanent damage on your body that can’t ever heal! No shit eh? and 2. Actually put forth an effort in retaining the knowledge necessary so I can feel good that I’ve made a real attempt and effort at something I have chosen to be apart of at this time.

Anyways I got off topic.

I like exam time because I get my freedom, I get my own nice comfy hotel room, free breakfast, TV time whenever I want right there in a bed I don’t even have to make for myself (even though I always do anyways, I hate a messy bed) and unlimited hot water. I can roam without having to actually go outside, and even if I wanted to, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. There’s no family drama, no melo-drama sending itself from space. It’s just me, here, relaxing with a heavy duty textbook and my favourite highlighter colours of the month. These things have helped set me free in the past years, and I can’t even explain why.

I think I would live in a hotel if I could actually afford it, especially here in Guelph. I’ve got my favourite mall across the street on the east, and the LCBO on the south, and a 24hr grocery store even further to the east. What more could a girl ask for with a perfect living spot? Free buffet breakfast with incredibly good food, open access pool and gym…

I’m looking at this and laughing really hard at myself. I can always find so many words to ramble about when I really just don’t want to go do what I need to (re-look over my study notes). I’m so scrambled right noaw from so much info, this class is pretty bad ass though - Abnormal Psychology. I like self-diagnosing people I’ve come into contact over the years while reading over things, it makes the time go by faster and kinda makes things stick (even though none of the diagnoses would be anywhere close to true) I’m a horrible person, don’t do that, it’s bad!

I promised myself I would start studying again at 4:30…totally didn’t happen.

I did a lot of this instead…

You should probably judge me for all of these.

I’m pretty sure I only take photos of myself during exam time now, it seems to be a thing. I enjoy the crazy, studious bitch-fell-off-this-planet look.

I’m also sad to say that my highlighters died, a while ago.

OH and I almost forgot to mention until my little friend just started to move around.

I have a creature living in my wall heating unit. I thought it was a mouse at first when I heard him last night when I turned it on to heat up this frigid room (I turned it off right away! I’m not cruel…towards animals anyways).

But now I’m not so sure if it’s a mouse, because sticks and feather blew out of it when I turned it on…so maybe it’s a baby bird:( I informed the front desk…but trapped creatures in the heating unit are sadly on the bottom of their list, who knew.

I haven’t named him yet, I was saving that task for when I assumed he would run out of it and I could see him, but I think that’s why he’s a bird, because he hasn’t climbed out. :( So I’m going to name it Abby (because I found it while reading Abnormal Psych, aha…no, not funny?…I thought it was)

I’m totally going crazy, talking to myself on here.

Alright well I’m going to find some scraps for Abby and I for dinner before making sweet, fast and impressionable pencil love to this exam. Aka, I’m going to seduce it so it will just show me all of it’s good answer stuffs.

Peace out bitches.

Next time we chat (which will most likely be forever from now due to my severe working addiction) I will be just ONE credit away from graduating next fall.

Who knew eh?

xo. me from Rm 529.

[Edit: I’m eating my words right now. I’ve been literally trapped in my hotel room and can’t leave due to a ridiculous stomach virus from hell that started at 4am last night and didn’t even think of ceasing until 3pm. fml. :( I like enjoying my hotel room in a comfortable state. Take back yo virus universe! I don’t want it! I just wanna be able to drive home:(]

Dear World, I’m falling… The problem is it’s...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 02:21:06 -0400

Dear World,

I’m falling…

The problem is it’s still unclear where I am falling to, or why I am falling, or how I am falling, or which direction I am falling in.

I turn my head towards the sky, to the changing stars, to the milky soft sun I claim as my true home, that’s no real sun at all.

I turn my feet in the direction of the constant unknown, allowing for fate to take its course.

I turn my heart off and wait in the silence for it to be turned back on by the clap of your magical hands.

I turn and I turn and I turn like a dizzying toy top.

I turn and I turn and I turn realizing I have no true place of rest.

I twist and I spin and I tumble over on-top of myself, and I realize as I fall that my life is mere child’s play, my fate rests upon a tiny hand that is no toy at all.

I can’t bare it today. I can’t bare the thought of you so far away.

I can’t bare the thought of how deeply I have buried you into a place I promised would be safer than right here with me…

I buried the sorrow in my bones away in the same manner any other would plant a seed of beautiful possibility beneath the sea of rolling green pastures.

You reap what you sew, she always said.

And for once, she was right.

The only problem is those blooming white lilies, they close up and hide away in the dark of your night. They show a side the sun doesn’t kiss with her burning red lips.

xo. us

She’s dropping bread crumbs to show where she’s been
To a house made of candy, of sorrow, of sin
And she hopes it’s alright that she quietly let herself in

This is her addiction
This is her fame
This is the place where she deals with the pain
Sometimes the stars in her sky hold against the rain

Echoes climbing back
What’s this
Hit or miss attack
You missed it
She’s got white lights on her face
From the bad times
That she just can’t erase

Now she’s forgiven the harms of her past
And she’ll take a message somewhere it will last
She fails where she fails but she’s trying
And growing up fast

Echoes climbing back
What’s this
Hit or miss attack
You missed it
She’s got white light on her face
From the bad days
That she just can’t erase
And her sad eyes are replaced
With the new life in a beautiful place

And this is the pattern
And this is the stone
This is the past she knows she can run from
This is the place she’s been in since she was born

Echoes climbing back
What’s this
Hit or miss attack
You missed it
I can tell by the light in her eyes that she can see
And walk away
From the people and places and things
She used to be
She’s got white lights on her face
From the bad days
That she just can’t erase
And her sad eyes are replaced
With the new life in a beautiful place

- White Lights, Deas Vail

In my bones

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 13:38:00 -0400

Dear World,

It’s been a while. A long, long while; but it really hasn’t been that long, has it?

Time ticks away like a bomb.

Each breath feels like a million.

Each blink of an eye feels like a thousand lives lived through a different party.

Each day my wings become closer to the burning sun.

Each day I forget. Each day I remember.

Each day I dare myself a little more to let go, to float away a little further from where I once was.

My balloon came back today, it expands with shards of glass, while I cave in a little more, a little closer. One day, I’ve realized, it will be me and I will be it.

I will be free, and it will be gone; up, up, up away into the clouds we’ll disappear as one.

I’m changing again. I can feel it in my bones, I can see it in my eyes.

When I’m done, will you still recognize the girl that lies before you.

Or will she always remain the one never good enough for you to truly forgive, no matter how hard she tries?

There’s always a spot beside me in the light of night, can you say the same world? I would like to hope so, but this girl should know better by now shouldn’t she?

Today is a day of change.

I can feel it in my bones; I can see it in the direction of my wings.

Can you?

xo. her

xo.

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 02:00:57 -0400

xo.

Thank you ModCloth and Universe for presenting me with a happy...

Mon, 27 Feb 2012 20:16:40 -0500

Thank you ModCloth and Universe for presenting me with a happy option to end my shitty day with.

I don’t normally gamble on things like this but I did today with the intention and hopes that I’ll get a surprise in the mail within the next month to turn another possible crappy day into an awesome one, or to turn a great day into an even greater one.

Sometimes we need to remember to take our own happiness into our own hands when given even the smallest of opportunities. Don’t over look the smallest of possibilities is my self lesson for the day I suppose.

xo. poopy feeling me

Lullaby May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleepDespite...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 01:27:21 -0500

Lullaby

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don’t ever let the world defeat you
Don’t get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change

Return to me
When slumber’s fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

As you sink beneath the soothing streams of time
May you be thankful that you had another day
For there comes a time when each of us will enter
A sleep from which we will never wake

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don’t ever let the world defeat you
Don’t get buried in its decay

Close your eyes now, if only for a moment
For it’s time you get some rest
The wolves are gone and nothing here can harm you
Let go of your fragile consciousness

Return to me
When slumber’s fog has lifted
Return to me
Stronger than before

-Assemblage 23

Dear World, I’ve been so good, for so long. I’ve withheld all you have sent my way,...

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 02:00:20 -0500

Dear World,

I’ve been so good, for so long. I’ve withheld all you have sent my way, I’ve turned the negative to the positive, melded tears into roses. I’ve kept the flames from burning this old house of cards down, and the darkness from banging on your door.

I’ve been a good girl World, because I desperately wanted to be, because that is who I am at the core.

But I resent you World, I resent the twisting words you still send my way in the hollows of a dead wind.

I resent your moments of weakness as they mimic the old shadows of mine from a past life.

I don’t run from my past anymore World. I stopped running long before I was placed here. I wear my many lives on my sleeve as a declaration of independence, of unity, of remembrance for what I will never go back to and for all I will fight towards.

I am my greatest enemy.

I am my greatest ally.

I am no longer that sixteen year old girl lost amongst the pieces of a shattered glass mirror.

I have my pieces.

I’m just afraid of how sharp I’ve allowed them to become.

I’m afraid of how deep I’ve allowed them to slice into this calloused skin without so much as a glance in their direction.

I’m afraid of how much they are okay with the blood lost to the cause of chaos within.

I promised I would never let go World, but not even I can stomach the constant retracing of steps in a hail storm, even for a moment.

I have patience World.

I have time.

I have faith.

I have love.

Don’t ruin it.

Don’t whisper your sweet words of better tomorrows.

Walk them.

I plead to you World, don’t leave her on her own amongst the stars again.

Next time she might not come back.

xo. her

Done!

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 19:48:56 -0500

Who made it through 4 months of hell?

I did of course.

Take that school and double job situation.

I fuckin’ own your asses.

Quite honestly I was a little sketched out about this entire process and for a little while I didn’t think I could do it all. I guess I should stop doubting myself so much, and maybe should stop allowing others to doubt me as well.

I’m starting to finally feel accomplished and a little grown up, and let me tell you, this feeling is wonderful.

Take note World, this girl is spreading her new found wings; I think it’s about time she found her inner strength once again. I’ve got big plans and I intended on making my way towards them sooner than later…

On another note.

6 days of work then let the holidays commence! I’m about as enthusiastic about that as this little guy is about colouring.

Peace,

xo me

Mind Reading Now Possible

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:30:04 -0500

Alright, if anything my real studying techniques have posed to lead to interesting class articles I’ve missed somehow over the semester. Well worth the work of doing things…maybe

Have at this one boys.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2008/01/12/mind-reading-is-now-possible.html

Back to the books I go.

xo. urg

I call this the ‘scrunch’. It’s what happens...

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 03:17:00 -0500

I call this the ‘scrunch’.

It’s what happens when there’s all study and no play for 4 straight months without sleep.

I kinda like it.

Makes me look all crazy and shit. Noooobody knows what’s comin’ from this girl next. Noooopee No Sir-Re-Boobb.

Yep. Yep I certainly I said boob.

I told ya, crazy.

My alarm better go off tomorrow world…I can’t miss ANOTHER day of free breaky in my long hotel stay.

I’m kinda lovin’ this…

Let’s pray for good exam studying tomorrow! ONE and a HaLf more days.

peace out world,

xo. crazy-sleepless-study-zombie

[Edit: of course I missed my free breakfast once again…I guess that’s what happens when you stop studying at 5:30 in the morning though?…I think I’ve discovered that I can still swipe cereal and juice at any time of day though…just gotta be sneaky about that shit :)]