Letters From the Dark

E Word.

Alright World, 

It’s exam time. 

And that blows, hard, really hard actually. Harder than a 10 cent lady friend on a Friday night. Even harder than a hurricane rated as a 9 on the Richter Scale. 

-Reallly Kai?

No, not really dumbass! I’m just being crazy old me.

But to be honest here for a second, I totally dig exam time now that I’ve gotten over my anxiety of mis-represented testing. I know that I’ll get to whereever I need to be in this lifetime, and I know that failing hard, or passing exponentially well, really doesn’t matter. This is a stepping stone for me, and to be honest if any job place really only wanted me for my grades instead of my life experience and self-worth I draw from the inside, well then I wouldn’t want them! 

Obviously I still need to give a slight shit, it is still a necessary stepping stone for how the world currently is. (A hectic disaster jammed packed full of big egos, if you haven’t already noticed.) And I am paying out my beautiful ass-hole like everyone else for it, so I may as well put my hard earned money to some form of use. Plus, I really don’t believe in self failure. I am a very loyal girl when I choose to be, so when necessary I push myself pretty well over the edge of every situation just to be sure I got my worth out of it if not for anything else, but for myself. 

I believe in self satisfaction. And I honestly believe that no one in this world can ever really give that to you other than yourself, it’s impossible to expect them to. We’re changing beings, morphing by the millisecond. So as I see it, I owe it to myself to 1. Not stress over this exam, because that as I’ve learned from my 15hr study session, leaves permanent damage on your body that can’t ever heal! No shit eh? and 2. Actually put forth an effort in retaining the knowledge necessary so I can feel good that I’ve made a real attempt and effort at something I have chosen to be apart of at this time. 

Anyways I got off topic.

I like exam time because I get my freedom, I get my own nice comfy hotel room, free breakfast, TV time whenever I want right there in a bed I don’t even have to make for myself (even though I always do anyways, I hate a messy bed) and unlimited hot water. I can roam without having to actually go outside, and even if I wanted to,  I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. There’s no family drama, no melo-drama sending itself from space. It’s just me, here, relaxing with a heavy duty textbook and my favourite highlighter colours of the month. These things have helped set me free in the past years, and I can’t even explain why.

I think I would live in a hotel if I could actually afford it, especially here in Guelph. I’ve got my favourite mall across the street on the east, and the LCBO on the south, and a 24hr grocery store even further to the east. What more could a girl ask for with a perfect living spot? Free buffet breakfast with incredibly good food, open access pool and gym…

I’m looking at this and laughing really hard at myself. I can always find so many words to ramble about when I really just don’t want to go do what I need to (re-look over my study notes). I’m so scrambled right noaw from so much info, this class is pretty bad ass though - Abnormal Psychology. I like self-diagnosing people I’ve come into contact over the years while reading over things, it makes the time go by faster and kinda makes things stick (even though none of the diagnoses would be anywhere close to true) I’m a horrible person, don’t do that, it’s bad! 

I promised myself I would start studying again at 4:30…totally didn’t happen. 

I did a lot of this instead…

You should probably judge me for all of these.

I’m pretty sure I only take photos of myself during exam time now, it seems to be a thing. I enjoy the crazy, studious bitch-fell-off-this-planet look. 

I’m also sad to say that my highlighters died, a while ago.

OH and I almost forgot to mention until my little friend just started to move around.

I have a creature living in my wall heating unit. I thought it was a mouse at first when I heard him last night when I turned it on to heat up this frigid room (I turned it off right away! I’m not cruel…towards animals anyways). 

But now I’m not so sure if it’s a mouse, because sticks and feather blew out of it when I turned it on…so maybe it’s a baby bird:( I informed the front desk…but trapped creatures in the heating unit are sadly on the bottom of their list, who knew. 

I haven’t named him yet, I was saving that task for when I assumed he would run out of it and I could see him, but I think that’s why he’s a bird, because he hasn’t climbed out. :( So I’m going to name it Abby (because I found it while reading Abnormal Psych, aha…no, not funny?…I thought it was) 

I’m totally going crazy, talking to myself on here. 

Alright well I’m going to find some scraps for Abby and I for dinner before making sweet, fast and impressionable pencil love to this exam. Aka, I’m going to seduce it so it will just show me all of it’s good answer stuffs. 

Peace out bitches. 

Next time we chat (which will most likely be forever from now due to my severe working addiction) I will be just ONE credit away from graduating next fall. 

Who knew eh?

xo. me from Rm 529.

:)

[Edit: I’m eating my words right now. I’ve been literally trapped in my hotel room and can’t leave due to a ridiculous stomach virus from hell that started at 4am last night and didn’t even think of ceasing until 3pm. fml. :( I like enjoying my hotel room in a comfortable state. Take back yo virus universe! I don’t want it! I just wanna be able to drive home:(]

In my bones

Dear World, 

It’s been a while. A long, long while; but it really hasn’t been that long, has it?

Time ticks away like a bomb.

Each breath feels like a million.

Each blink of an eye feels like a thousand lives lived through a different party. 

Each day my wings become closer to the burning sun.

Each day I forget. Each day I remember.

Each day I dare myself a little more to let go, to float away a little further from where I once was. 

My balloon came back today, it expands with shards of glass, while I cave in a little more, a little closer. One day, I’ve realized, it will be me and I will be it. 

I will be free, and it will be gone; up, up, up away into the clouds we’ll disappear   as one.

I’m changing again. I can feel it in my bones, I can see it in my eyes. 

When I’m done, will you still recognize the girl that lies before you.

Or will she always remain the one never good enough for you to truly forgive, no matter how hard she tries? 

There’s always a spot beside me in the light of night, can you say the same world? I would like to hope so, but this girl should know better by now shouldn’t she?

Today is a day of change.

I can feel it in my bones; I can see it in the direction of my wings.

Can you?

xo. her

Dear World, 

I’ve been so good, for so long. I’ve withheld all you have sent my way, I’ve turned the negative to the positive, melded tears into roses. I’ve kept the flames from burning this old house of cards down, and the darkness from banging on your door.

I’ve been a good girl World, because I desperately wanted to be, because that is who I am at the core.

But I resent you World, I resent the twisting words you still send my way in the hollows of a dead wind.

I resent your moments of weakness as they mimic the old shadows of mine from a past life.

I don’t run from my past anymore World. I stopped running long before I was placed here. I wear my many lives on my sleeve as a declaration of independence, of unity, of remembrance for what I will never go back to and for all I will fight towards.

I am my greatest enemy.

I am my greatest ally.

I am no longer that sixteen year old girl lost amongst the pieces of a shattered glass mirror.

I have my pieces.

I’m just afraid of how sharp I’ve allowed them to become.

I’m afraid of how deep I’ve allowed them to slice into this calloused skin without so much as a glance in their direction.

I’m afraid of how much they are okay with the blood lost to the cause of chaos within.

I promised I would never let go World, but not even I can stomach the constant retracing of steps in a hail storm, even for a moment.

I have patience World.

I have time.

I have faith.

I have love.

Don’t ruin it.

Don’t whisper your sweet words of better tomorrows.

Walk them.

I plead to you World, don’t leave her on her own amongst the stars again.

Next time she might not come back.

xo. her

Done!

Who made it through 4 months of hell?

I did of course.

Take that school and double job situation.

I fuckin’ own your asses.

Quite honestly I was a little sketched out about this entire process and for a little while I didn’t think I could do it all. I guess I should stop doubting myself so much, and maybe should stop allowing others to doubt me as well.

I’m starting to finally feel accomplished and a little grown up, and let me tell you, this feeling is wonderful.

Take note World, this girl is spreading her new found wings; I think it’s about time she found her inner strength once again. I’ve got big plans and I intended on making my way towards them sooner than later…

On another note.

6 days of work then let the holidays commence! I’m about as enthusiastic about that as this little guy is about colouring. 

:)

Peace, 

xo me

Mind Reading Now Possible

Alright, if anything my real studying techniques have posed to lead to interesting class articles I’ve missed somehow over the semester. Well worth the work of doing things…maybe

Have at this one boys.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2008/01/12/mind-reading-is-now-possible.html

Back to the books I go.

xo. urg